Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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