I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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