Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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