why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
