I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
