i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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