in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
