I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
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I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
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I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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