I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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