I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
