Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
