Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
