I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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