Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
