well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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