hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
