My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
