why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
