Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
