It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
