who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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