"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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