I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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