I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
