Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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