Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
