i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
