I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
