apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
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I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
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Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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