I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
