The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
