You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
