My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
