Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
