what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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