Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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