I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
