eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
