I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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