hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
