Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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