Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
