Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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