remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
