Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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