so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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