he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
