You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
