I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
