In America we eat man semen.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
