Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
