I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
