im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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