so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
