They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
