Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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